sibling rivalry

7 tips to help curb explosive sibling rivalry

When there’s a child with ADHD in the family

By, Fatima Malik

Ever heard of the squeaky wheel metaphor?

 

The squeaky wheel gets the oil. The child that is louder and more disruptive gets the… oil. It’s understandable but counterintuitive. It sends the wrong message, if I’m louder and more demanding, I get what I want.

 

Sibling rivalry is common, but it is a little more challenging in a house with a child with ADHD.

 

A neurotypical sibling tends to take on more responsibility for the stresses of the home. They may feel extra pressure to behave well and follow the rules to minimize family stress and ‘normalize’ things. 

 

Some neurotypical siblings suppress their feelings and emotions to cope, but that causes resentment because of all the extra time and resources needed for the sibling with ADHD.

 

They sometimes retreat and keep to themselves to avoid family conflicts, but this just causes more of a rift between the siblings.

 

Here are a few tips to avoid explosive sibling rivalry:

 

1. Acknowledge and talk about how to manage disagreements

 

Disagreements are inevitable in any close-knit group of people. The point isn’t to not have disagreements at all because that’s impossible; instead, try to establish healthy boundaries and rules in advance for when disagreements happen.

For example, we don’t hit, we don’t swear, we don’t insult each other, and we don’t damage each other’s things. 

Establishing what is acceptable is just as important. 

Teach the siblings self-soothing techniques that they can decide on and practice before a disagreement happens. So when there’s an explosive disagreement, they already know what to do to cool themselves down.

 

2. Encourage communication

 

Encourage them to use ‘I’ statements, to express feelings, and explain to a parent when a disagreement occurs, for example, I feel (emotion) because Sammy (what caused the negative emotion).

A child with ADHD may not have impulse control which is why teaching them this skill is essential. 

 

3. Validate feelings and do not lecture

 

As the parent, always acknowledge their feelings and validate them because all your children’s feelings are valid. They need to know that if they feel bad, it’s okay and that you’ll listen.  

 

Lecturing children shows them that they are somehow lesser than you. Children may not have the experiences you have or the knowledge, but that does not make them lesser than you. They have valid feelings and opinions that need to be heard. Try to talk to them instead of at them.

 

4. Do not compare

 

Unfair comparisons between your neurotypical child and your child with ADHD will plant the seeds of self-hatred. 

 

Children with ADHD are very sensitive to what you say to them. It’s important to be careful of the words you use and the comparisons you may be making, consciously or unconsciously.

Children with ADHD usually grow up with anxiety and depression, which gets worse with age if not adequately addressed. As a parent, the last thing you want to do is add self-hatred to that mix. 

 

5. Investigate silence

 

Silence isn’t always a good thing when it comes to your neurotypical child. A neurotypical sibling may go quiet and suppress their feelings because they do not want to add to their parent’s stress. It’s important to realize when a child is quiet because you do not want them to feel like they need to suffer alone. 

 

 

6. Family Meetings

 

Hold regular family meetings. These teach kids social skills and help build a healthy environment where everyone’s voice and opinions matter.

 

Dr.Rachael Silverman, Psy.D., ABPP., a clinical psychologist, says, “In sibling relationships, the neurotypical sibling is often bulldozed and doesn’t get validated or listened to enough. The family meeting allows them to use their voice. The ADHD child also benefits by learning to tolerate distress and how to curb their impulse to disrupt, intrude, and be verbally intrusive.”

 

7. When fights get physical.

 

When children can’t effectively communicate their feelings, they may express them physically, counter-productive way.

“Due to executive functioning challenges, children with ADHD may exhibit more explosive anger,” Silverman says. “They often have trouble controlling their impulses and may make poor decisions, but it’s important to realize they aren’t necessarily being malicious; they just aren’t interpreting social cues accurately or thinking through their behaviour.”

It’s never wise to get in the middle of such a situation but to immediately separate the siblings for 20 minutes. 

This isn’t a punishment; it’s a cooling-off period. During this time, have your children engage in self-soothing techniques that should have been established and practiced ahead of time (for the child with ADHD, it would be primarily during ADHD treatment with the child psychologist).

Establish that once they’ve cooled off, they need to be ready to talk about their feelings and what led to that explosive situation. Once they are prepared to talk, be available to listen and validate their feelings. Help them feel safe enough to use the full 20 minutes to cool down. 

Create a safe space for them to express themselves, as this is an important opportunity for siblings to take responsibility for their actions and develop problem-solving skills. Still, it only works once they’ve cooled down.

Talk to each child alone to hear their side and validate their feelings separately.

Want to read more? Check out our blog on parenting tips.

If you need additional assistance with parenting, please contact us at 1-866-503-7454

 

 

Positive Kids
Author: Positive Kids

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